Hope and the Rocky Ground It Grows On
by paranoia.pink
Summary: It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said thank you. Sakura as an angsty but genuinely devoted child.


Sakura's parents had always been indulgent when it came to Sakura's crush. When she was very little, they had thought it adorable, and when she was a bit older, they thought it a sign of empathy and maturity. When she was in the academy, they thought it was a sign of her teenage hormones kicking in. They never thought it simply had to do with Sasuke.

When Sakura first saw him, she didn't understand it. She felt compelled and drawn and flustered and giddy inside, but she didn't know why and she didn't really care. She was too little to understand. She did know that he drew her eye, made up entirely of black and cool blue and porcelain skin like a doll's.

Her days were taken up with becoming prettier, pleasing her mother, and fantasizing about marriage and life as an adult. A life with Sasuke, because she couldn't imagine any other kind. They would have children, and she would break his shell and he would love her. She had heard stories of women whose husbands beat them, sometimes until they almost died, but who couldn't, wouldn't, leave. Their husbands were empty of love for anything, and could only hate. Other men, men like her father, lived harmless but boring lives. Sasuke, she knew, would have an endless supply of love for whatever woman could crack his shell, and that was adventure enough for Sakura.

In the academy, she would watch him almost constantly: when he was studying, when he was listening to the lecture, when he did classroom training exercises; whenever he was near her, she paid attention. And the older she got, the more she could say exactly what it was about him. At first she thought it was the way he walked, and then she thought it might be how cool and calm he always was. She knew it was at least partially because he was so beautiful.

On a team with him, it was different. Underneath his facade, Sakura realized, Sasuke was not calm at all, but a mass of anger and seething emotion. She hadn't expected that, and as she grew tougher and stronger, it only drew her further in. She wanted to find out if there was a place for her somewhere underneath that rage, some tenderness. She wanted to get underneath the underneath, so to speak.

But Orochimaru stole that from her. Orochimaru brought out the emotions underneath the anger and sadness of Sasuke's past - and Sakura was shocked and frightened to discover the pure violence there. Her hero had already shown her some tenderness and friendship, and it occurred to her for the first time that that might be it. He was her teammate, and he occasionally appreciated her company. They'd had conversations that weren't related to training, even. But Orochimaru brought out an aspect of him that wasn't just cold and ruthless, but instead sadistic. Some part of Sasuke that thought causing pain was fun. And that might be all there was.

Even so, she felt helpless love for him. Her fate had been determined the first time she saw him, soft and gentle and cool. For the first time she understood how little she could control herself around him, how little she thought of anything else when he was near. She was a fly caught in a web, and the spider didn't even want her, hadn't even been trying to catch her.

The day before he left, she felt it crawling on her skin, a feeling of doom. Sakura would never admit it out loud, not to anyone, but a part of her knew that Sasuke was no good for anyone. And he would leave.

That night, she stood there crying, trying to sway him to her side. His sneer was beautiful as he laughed at her. It was then she realized: Sasuke was empty. He had nothing to give her... but she still couldn't leave. She wanted to be with him, to follow him just in case the day ever came that he needed her, needed to hold or to love or even just to have someone cook breakfast. Just one moment, and it would be worth anything, she thought. But then he moved faster than she could follow, and the last thing she heard that night was "Thank you."

Waking up, the first thing she saw was the greenery surrounding the path on either side and could only think, how beautiful. And then in an instant she realized where she was, and what she had been doing, and worst of all that she must have been carried over to this bench by Sasuke, so she wouldn't sleep on the cold ground. And he had thanked her, like it – like _she_ had meant something. After that she couldn't stop crying.


End file.
